Nov. 30 Was the annual Hyde Park Christmas tree lighting. Nelson didn't feel well enough to come so I took the kids.
Nolan wasn't scared at all.
Dec. 2 Coleman getting into markers while I was on a work phone call. I had just bathed him.
Dec. 2. Nolan enjoying our tree. I set this tree up one day when I had a spare minute (which was rare) I did it all since Nelson couldn't. It was starting to get weirder and weirder having to do everything myself when I was used to him always working beside me. But he sat in his chair and watched and talked when he could. I appreciated that I could still talk to him and ask advice. Even though he couldn't help me physically much anymore, he was still there to talk to. I even love that his leg is in this picture. I just miss having him here.
December 3, Nelson at Logan Regional looking at his phone waiting for gall bladder surgery. He was at work and was just so sick they had to take him to the ER.
Dec. 5 Evy was practicing writing. She copied words off of one of my grocery lists and this is what she chose. Ha Ha. She had no idea what it meant. (It says stool softener if you can't read it.)
Dec. 5. Nolan fell asleep.
Dec. 7. Evy's Christmas list on the fridge.
And her list to Santa
Dec. 7. Nelson had just had his gallbladder removed and couldn't come with us to the Cache Valley for Hope dinner for cancer families. I met Melanie Jorgensen there. She sat across the table from me. Her husband had passed away a few years ago from melanoma. When she told me I think my eyes filled with tears. That was my greatest fear. Nelson was too sick to stay home alone even though he disagreed. So I asked Robin to sit with him that night while we were gone.
Evy, Coleman and Santa. I think Nolan was in his carseat asleep or something. I don't remember why he wasn't in the photos.
Evy told me at this dinner that she is glad she doesn't have cancer because people with cancer die. She said this out loud at the table. I don't know who heard but it's weird when a 6 year old girl has to deal with all this. This is a pic of me pretending to be comfortable. I did not want to be a part of this group whatsoever. Unfortunately when I came home, Nelson looked worse and we had to go back to the hospital for a long time the next day.
Dec. 11. We were back in the hospital so I asked Gene and Karlene to take a pic of Nolan on his 8 month old birthday. So this is what they sent me. It stunk missing out on being with our kids so much. We just wanted to be normal parents again.
My view from our room in Huntsman Cancer Institute. I slept by the window and it was so cold. Plus I couldn't lay by Nelson so it was even colder. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. I didn't know if Nelson would come home with me this time. He was so sick. It was like he turned 90 in one month. I have never felt more despair then the days I spent at Huntsman and we spend many days there.
Dec. 12
Dec. 12. Kim and Maggie came to visit me. I remember crying in the bathroom right before they came and having to compose myself to go out. I didn't even want my best friends to see how truly broken I was. I was losing weight. I think this is the day I realized that I was. I just couldn't eat. I either didn't want to, couldn't get away to eat, didn't have time, or didn't want to make Nelson have to smell the food I was eating. There are many reasons why someone does not eat when their life is in turmoil I have discovered. I did live on smoothies I think. Nelson rarely ate. He hated food. We had to start him on appetite stimulants at home after this to get him to eat. I did learn to hate this lunchroom. I ate there alone many times when he did treatment over the summer. I was so glad when he finished and I hoped I never had to return again. So it was a big deal to me when I returned there so quickly. I have developed many triggers since Nelson got sick. Things or places that bring up painful emotions for me. This cafeteria is one of many of those triggers.
My kids were being babysat by Crystal. Everyone took turns watching my kids. I didn't see them for a week straight and drove in the snow just to see them for a few hours and drove back. I was no longer nursing at this point. It was too difficult and my body couldn't do it.
Dec. 14 Boy, it was depressing outside. Very cold and kept snowing.
Meanwhile my neighbors worked hard on my basement. They were finishing rooms so our family could stay with us and help us. They all donated their time, talents and money to do this for us. They took no money from us. Our friends that own Chick fil a catered dinner for everyone that was working. The people were from our previous ward and new ward. Nelson did not know this was happening. I did not tell him so we could surprise him and because I knew he would tell people not to do all this for him. I was picking out tile, paint colors, etc over the phone and texting people ideas of what we wanted from Pinterest. Everyone including Nelson said this all helped us understand the law of consecration.
Dec. 14 A local singles ward came caroling to our home. They left a Christmas tree with money tied on it that they had all gotten from auctioning off service. We were still in the hospital but my mom was there with my kids.
Dec. 14. My bed. I watched movies here, cross stitched here, read books and scriptures,contemplated my ever changing life and where it was headed. Nelson went to be so early, sometimes 7:30, so I had to come up with quiet things to do at night with the lights shut off.
Nelson taking a snooze. He made a rule that no pictures were to be taken of him during treatment and while he was sick. I felt he looked pretty normal here though so I took one. I tried to send his family pics here and there but only uplifting ones. No one wants to see a picture of someone miserable so I agree with Nelson. He never wore hospital gowns. He always wore his clothes. I believe we are getting ready to go home here. I wish we were taking him home because he was well. We were taking him home because he was stable and they didn't know what else to do. They started him on oral chemo again and infusions every three weeks.
Dec. 16 We were finally back home. I got to go to Evy's Christmas program. I was always so grateful when I got to be back home for my kids. Everywhere I went I felt I was being looked at though. I was also afraid to talk to people especially about Nelson. I was not in a good place and extremely sensitive. I knew Nelson's health was not well and everyone else knew it. It was like the elephant in the room. I think it was hard for people to know what to say to me and I didn't feel like hardly anyone could relate to what I was going through.
Evy showing me her school stocking she made and kept pushing Coleman out of the picture. It ended up as a fight so we left. Ha ha.
Dec. 16
My neighborhood friends delivered a gift basket for me of things to cheer me. I remember sitting down at my table and crying. It was so sweet but I wished I could be normal again.
Dec. 18 Another great view of the patio. It was much more fun to look out this window in the summer when you can see all the hikers and cyclists on the trail.
Back at Huntsman again. I started taking selfies of us when he started treatment. We never looked good in them but we were going through such a hard time together and we made it. So these pics make me happy that we still loved each other through all this crap. When life gets extremely difficult you can be grateful you have a spouse to carry you through. Every once in awhile I could get Nelson in the foyer if he felt well enough.
Dec. 19
A family came by on the day we were leaving and delivered a bag of items we could use in the hospital like toothpaste and such. I was so bummed I didn't get this until we were leaving. I froze the whole time. The plaid blanket is what they made us. The outdoor one in the background is one I made Nelson for Valentine's Day years ago. I made it extra long since he was extra tall.
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